and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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