theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
