dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
