My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
