just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
