I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
