I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
did i just pee glitter
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
