Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
