My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
