I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
