Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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