You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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