Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
