oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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