I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
