I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
