Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
