This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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