If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
