I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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