I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
