i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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