I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
