Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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