dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize