first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
