Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
