i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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