I think i peed on brittanys purse
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
