what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
