everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
