tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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