if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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