Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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