I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
