If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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