yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
