My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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