where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize