I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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