I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she peed on how many people?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
