Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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