remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
