the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
