i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
