you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
