My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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