How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
