This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
