Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
