Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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