What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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