i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
a search helicopter?!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
