I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
