Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
