You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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