I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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